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Old 07-28-2016, 07:14 AM   #1
SoonerTraveler
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Default Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

We can all use a smile and a chuckle. I occasionally come across some humor, so I thought I would share it here. Hopefully, some of you will share some jokes you have seen. Please try to keep it clean, and please try to keep politics out of it.

* * * * * * *

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "And cheap ones too."
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Old 08-19-2016, 11:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

PARAPROSDOKIANS: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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Old 08-22-2016, 03:17 PM   #3
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

Not really a joke - just a funny story.

I was at my daughter's house this weekend. My son-in-law was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine. Cayson, age 2 1/2, climbed up next to his Dad with his cup of water. He leaned over and touched his cup to his Dad's wine glass and said, "Cheers!"

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Old 10-19-2016, 08:42 PM   #4
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friendís Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Canít Get Up
CR: Can't Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Donít Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO...
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welkís On
MGAD: My Grandsonís A Doctor
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Canít Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Whereís The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
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Old 03-23-2018, 12:59 PM   #5
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

At the doctor's office.

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear .... She said ...."Who Was That Guy?"
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Old 03-23-2018, 01:18 PM   #6
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonerTraveler View Post
At the doctor's office.

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear .... She said ...."Who Was That Guy?"
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Old 07-22-2018, 07:58 AM   #7
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Default Re: Clean (Non-Political) Joke Thread

For many decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park from opposite sides of a sidewalk.

One day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll #hit on it's head!"
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